Every day interactions
A few days ago I came across past notes related to work. In big headings at the top it said “Interactions with DT”*. What an inane statement for something that single-handedly managed to pull me into the depths of turbid and suffocating anger for the following few days. The impact of re-living those interactions is what misogyny does to women.
Right after reading what I wrote my entire body folded unto itself. It roiled and rumbled deep inside. Before I knew it, growling profanities were hurled and my husband had to catch them. He was innocent, of course, but he made the mistake of saying he didn’t remember the specific episode about DT. How could he forget those episodes? He didn’t remember me being upset and questioning my worth? Making wrong decisions because I was told I wasn’t good enough? Oh it didn’t have as much effect on him, my husband said. Even though this was in 2014, when I was studying for my Masters and trying to forge a career so I could also support our family. But it was easy to forget, for him. It amazes me that we still don’t understand that humans only hurt themselves by treating some part of the population with inequality and disdain. I’m sure there’s some paper somewhere that calculates the economic toll of gender inequality. Found it. Here it is. And what kind of world would we be if multiculturalism and diversity didn’t exist, too.
I gave up on him after a few minutes of explaining my outburst and turned to my daughters. I went on a diatribe about not letting anyone tell them they are less than who they are. That the world is an ugly place. Don’t let anyone patronise or de-mean them especially if they are going to be working in STEM. They laughed at me, my daughters. The older one said she’ll go into Arts, and my younger one continued playing with her Lego and then beat me at two games of chess.
As days passed, the more my body became tensed. I tried to expel this heavy feeling inside through my usual way, writing about it, but was unable to because the more I remembered, the more angry I became. But not with the men who needed to feed their egos and de-mean, but at myself. Instead of saying something, I played along. Even allowing one of the men who said I “can never go to the next level” tell everyone months later that he mentored me. He was saying this to everyone because when my my work was getting complimented. Why did I stay quiet? Why didn’t I march into his stupid office and tell him to stick his supposed mentoring up his arse? Like how I would like my daughters to do if ever they were put in any situation like this. Instead I cried, internalised, and showed my anger in different ways — smoking, insomnia, manic over-working, mood swings. For years! This interaction was not the only “non-violent” sexism I experienced. It wasn’t only this man. There were a few men and some women, too over the years. Oh the ones with women actually hurt more. Back-handed compliments, negative feedback that’s not meant to be constructive.
A few years ago I learnt the word “microaggression” during a training for managing people. Why are managers the only ones being taught to handle these sorts of behaviour? These strategies need to be taught to all women starting any job!
You can see where this is going now? Years and years of those “light put downs”, disrespectful interruptions during meetings, public questioning of my work, stealing of my ideas, jokes at my expense (by well meaning people), then slow devaluation of my worth led me to this “aggressive”, defensive bitch who is trying to just survive through over-compensation of work responsibilities, self-destructive habits that provide instant relief from un-prescribed anxiety. I wish I knew this then to help me manage my mental health, but these behaviour describes PTSD to a tee. Here’s one of the papers that explains the psychological impact of every day sexism to women.
I’ve been managing people for a few years and without fail they say, “Never had any nice/good/competent women managers.” Every time I heard this a girl inside me cries. What did these female managers do so wrong to make them think they were bad managers? The answer was almost always “she wasn’t nice.” Really? If society wanted a nice manager then why did they let that male manager steal ideas (Oh he meant well), or treat staff like they were stupid by explaining something they actually fixed (he was only explaining to others)?I decided if they were fine to do this, then I should be, too! I’m pretty sure you can guess that I’m not the manager they would call a “nice manager” now.
It’s been a few years since this “Interaction with DT”, but it still burns. I wish that we, as a society, normalise the effect of gender inequality and everyday sexism on women. It would be amazing to hear all leaders speak up for “bitchy female leaders” and acknowledge the constant little battles women need to fight every day. In the mean time, I will keep crying for every time I hear someone say they never have any good female managers.
*DT’s initials have been changed.
